


Breakfast of Companions

by IntrovertedWife



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Fun, Funny, Gen, Goofy - Freeform, Humor, Jokes, Parody, Satire, Screenplay/Script Format, Silly, fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 22:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5433905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntrovertedWife/pseuds/IntrovertedWife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's face facts, leaving all the companions together in one place is just asking for constant firefights, fist fights, and hair pulling (Deacon's a dirty fighter) - so of course I do it all the time. Here's a little play about how all the companions of Fallout 4 sitting down to share a meal would go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breakfast of Companions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyGoat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGoat/gifts).



[Setting: interior and partial exterior of dilapidated home. Lone table with chairs piled around it.]

 

**Cait** : Oi, what's for breakfast? I'm properly starving over here.

**Codsworth** : Mum, I've just put the kettle on and have sliced up a small fruit tray for you. The porridge is just about set and a rasher of bacon is on the griddle.

**Cait** : What are you on about?

**MacCready** : The bucket of bolts means it's thrown a pot of radiated water onto the fire and ground up all the tato blossoms it could find into this soupy muck.

**Cait** : I ain't having with that shit. Give me some real food. I'm hungry enough to go ghoul.

**Hancock** : You know, I could help with that.

**Danse** : Attempt to eat any of us and I will fill your filthy freak head with bullets.

**Hancock** : Dishing up what you can't take again there tin can? I'd like to see you bat that fat lip around outside of your power armor.

**Piper** : I don't think he ever takes it off, not even to sleep. Is that healthy, to spend so much time inside all that metal?

**Valentine** : I never had much trouble, but then I don't sleep neither.

**Danse** : You're all being insubordinate.

**MacCready** : The tin can's mad we aren't jumping to attention. Yes, Sir. No, Sir. Know what I think. I bet he can't get it up outside of his metal suit.

**Danse** : That's none of your...

**Curie** : Oh, does Messier Danse suffer from a debilitating vertical malfunction? I could consult with some of ze wandering scientists and...

**Preston** : No, it's a joke. An inside joke that I don't want to explain...ever.

**Curie** : Ah, jokes. Yes, zay are very important for the mental health of your subjects. I know one. A vault-tec employee walks into a bar and says "Owe, I didn't tell ze Mr. Handy to install a bar there."

**Preston** : That was a...good try.

**Cait:** I don't give a bloody rats arse about your jokes or Danse's stick problem.

**Danse:** I do not have any...

**Cait:** Just get me some god damn food already!

**Strong:** Here! Strong deliver! [Meat collapses onto the table, rattling it]

**MacCready:** Is that...half a brahmin? Where the sh...where'd you get it?

**Strong:** Strong find food! Eat!

**Piper:** It's raw, and blood is oozing all over the table. The hide's still on! Ugh, and are those maggots on the skin?

**Valentine:** I've never been happier to be a synth.

**Hancock:** Looks fine to me.

**Piper:** Not all of us smooth skins enjoy the taste of dead meat first thing in the morning.

**Hancock:** Don't knock it until you try it.

**Deacon:** Pretty sure that's a caravan strap dangling off the back there.

**Preston:** Strong...

**Strong:** Yes!

**Preston:** Where exactly did you find this meat?

**Strong:** Outside! Fresh! Tasty! Strong give his kingdom for a brahmin!

**MacCready:** You stupid, fu...idiot. You killed the caravan's brahmin?

**Strong:** Weren't using it! Strong eat!

**Preston:** You can't just rip the caravan's pack animals in half, Strong.

**Strong:** Why not?

**Preston:** It's not nice.

**Piper:** Or sanitary.

**Strong:** Strong not find milk of human kindness? Oh...What if Strong put it back?

**Hancock:** Now that'd be something to see.

**Valentine:** Afraid that ain't gonna work, big guy.

**MacCready:** The caravan's gonna be pissed, and probably looking for answers.

**Deacon:** Well, if anyone asks we can say Super mutants did it.

**Piper:** A very big, very foul smelling super mutant.

**Cait:** If yer all done being complete arses, can we get to some real breakfast? My gut doesn't get fed and I'll be needing to punch something hard.

**Hancock:** I volunteer Danse.

**Danse:** You don't have the right, freak.

**Hancock:** Right, smight. My odds are on the firecracker laying him out in the fifth round.

**Valentine:** Five rounds seems generous, I'd give her three. The lady doesn't mess around.

**Danse:** This is--

**MacCready:** I've got to give it to Danse.

**Danse:** Thank you.

**MacCready:** His type always cheat when you're not looking.

**Danse** : I would never!

**Deacon:** See, I'd put it at a draw. Both of them punch the other out with one final blow and then boom, out of nowhere, a deathclaw...in a vertibird.

**Piper:** Have you ever tried speaking one sentence that wasn't a complete lie?

**Deacon:** I was hoping to get my start in the newspaper business.

**Piper:** What are you implying, Deacon?

**Deacon:** Didn't think I was subtle enough to be implying.

**Curie:** Zis is most exciting. I shall have to consult my data matrices on the fight mechanics and calculate a most likely outcome...Yes, after analyzing all possible metrics I believe Cait would be triumphant.

**Hancock:** Ha! The lady agrees with me.

**Danse:** A doddering pile of pre-war tech is hardly credible.

**MacCready:** Danse just discredited the entire Brotherhood. That's got to be grounds for a discharge there.

**Danse:** You are all highly out of line. If it weren't for my sworn duty, why I'd--

**Valentine:** Get your ass smacked around by Cait?

**Danse:** I have suffered enough of your barbs, synth! You're little more than scraps of old alarm clocks and coffee pots slapped together to form a face.

**Hancock:** Ouch, he's got your number there, Nick.

**Danse:** And the filthy ghoul is even worse. Hiding behind a facade of charm and claiming to serve the people while filling the Commonwealth with addictive chems.

**Hancock:** It ain't a bad way to live.

**Danse:** Until you finally turn feral and one of us properly puts you down.

**MacCready:** I doubt you'd wait for him to get peckish.

**Danse:** Ah, yes, the hired gun. How could I forget what little you bring to the table? For all we know you are already in the Institute's back pocket or could be for enough caps.

**Deacon:** Someone's asking to have all his fusion cores swiped and replaced with tin cans.

**Danse:** You are worth even less than the bumbling Mr. Handy. When the Brotherhood finds every synth you've placed we will cut them down as the danger they are.

**Deacon:** Just keep talking there tin head, maybe one day you'll believe your own shit.

**Preston:** People, could we all please settle down. There's no reason to go tearing at each other's throats.

**Cait:** I. Need. Food! AH!!!! [Punches wildly]

**Hancock:** Shit, never expected her to lay out Codsworth like that. Hey, you okay?

**Codsworth:** Yes, Mum. Just experiencing some minor NUKA-COLA: A refreshing nukalear taste! Glitches. Hamsters. All should be rain as spain in the morning.

**Valentine:** Okay, this is all fun and games but we shouldn't...

**Strong:** STRONG PUNCH!

**Cait:** I been wanting to have a go at the big guy for awhile now. Let's see how this ends!

**Strong:** Strong smash? [ **Cait** lays into him]

**Danse:** I will not stand for this insobordinat- [ **Hancock** whacks him in the back of the head with a tv tray]

**Hancock:** Gimme another one, MacCready.

**Danse:** You will wish you'd never crawled out of the radioactive muck, freak.

**Hancock:** Having to look at your oozing brahmin face already did me in.

**Preston:** Maybe I should head back to the Minutemen...

**Piper:** I'm staying. Ghoul vs Brotherhood: Fight of the wasteland? Could be a great story.

**MacCready** : Right, makes for perfect as-...wiping material there.

**Piper:** You think you're one to talk?

**MacCready:** Oh no, did I make the plucky reporter sad? Gonna write a little article about me?

**Deacon:** Like they were gonna let you into Diamond City anyway.

**Valentine:** You could lone him one of your little dress ups, Deacon.

**Deacon:** Ugh, the wig'll come back smelling like wet merc and cheese.

**MacCready:** Ouch, look how much of a sh...care I give.

**Piper:** You'll be flattened by the power of the press. Just you see.

**MacCready:** Right, I'm real sure.

[ **Strong** grabs the table and hurls it through the air]

**Strong:** No talking! More Fighting!

**Piper:** Couldn't have said it better myself. [ **Piper** hauls off to punch MacCready]

**MacCready:** Have to be faster than- [ **Piper** lands a blow] Fu...dge! You're going down!

[ **Danse** bats Hancock away. **Deacon** and **Valentine** grab both of his arms]

**Curie:** Does zis happen often?

**Codsworth:** I believe we call this a Tuesday, Mum.

**Curie:** Oh, delightful. I shall observe and categorize each attack. Yes, keep your hands up. That is best.

[ **Cait** leaps onto **Strong** 's back, shattering the ceiling fan]

[ **Hancock** grabs a broken fan blade and chucks it at **Danse** 's head]

[ **MacCready** dodges **Piper**. She stumbles into the porridge pot]

**Piper:** You bastard? Do you know how hard it is to get leather clean?

**MacCready:** Why don't you write about it?

**Danse:** You will meet whatever unholy demon created you, ghoul.

**Hancock:** Someone's all talk and no execution today. Bring it, tin can.

**Preston:** I just wanted some breakfast.

**Valentine:** At least it comes with a great show. Whoa!

[ **Cait** chucks **Strong** through the window, breaking the last bit of glass in the house]

 

[Far away the **Sole Survivor** watches as **Strong** rises from his fall and returns for more. A few warning shots break out in the house, ricocheting across the wasteland]

**Sole Survivor:** This is why I only take Dogmeat.

**Dogmeat:** Bark.


End file.
